What the crap have I done...

Holy crap. What have I done?! I think I need to throw up now....

"So, I really wanted to tell you all of this in person, but knew I would just be a mess when/if I did. You and I have been through a lot together. And, while we've been apart for a year, I've learned that I can survive without you. But I'm not sure that I want to. Mark, everytime I see you it kills me. It feels like we've never really been apart except for the fact that I can't just throw myself at you anymore. I know I hurt you and you were so patient and trusting with me. I'm so sorry for the pain I caused you and for the rollercoaster that our relationship was.

This past week I've thought about you a ton. I haven't done so purposely, it just happened... thus my phone call. A few weeks ago I started dating someone and for the first time in a very long time I had fun with a guy. And then YOU floated by. I felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. I couldn't think or focus. I couldn't believe the irony and just wanted to cry. And then I realized after all this time and distance, that I'm still in love with you. I've tried very hard to stay away from you, to give you your space. But that doesn't seem to have made a difference.

Mark, I don't know what, if anything, you feel towards me anymore. I don't blame you if you feel nothing. I've put us both through a ton, but it almost feels like another lifetime, like it happened to someone else. The only thing that makes it feel real is the pain of not being with you. Of acting like I'm ok when I see you. Of sensing your presence even before I see you. Of not being able to trust myself to look into your eyes.

I ran into Rachel and she told me of your current situation. Let me assure you that while I was upset to hear about it, it's not what's motivating this letter. I've wanted to tell you for awhile of how I'm feeling. I'm not over you. Not by a long shot. In the very least, let that feed your ego. I'm not proposing to you. I know you've changed. I've grown a lot and changed more than I've realized. Kari pointed it out to me the other day, how different I am. All I'm asking is for a chance to get to know you again.

In the end, I do want your happiness more than I care about my pain. It sounds trite, but I do mean it. If you are happy then I'll let you be. But, I did want you to know how I felt. "