(originally posted on themeesh.blogspot.com, your comments and advice are welcome on either blog)
Very rarely do I actually write posts that are difficult for me emotionally. I try to keep things light and shallow, because most of the time I am light and shallow. Ok, not really. But bare with me, because by the end of this you'll probably hate me as much as I hate myself.
I am my own worst enemy. I sabotage my happiness and eventually the happiness of poor unsuspecting males. And occasionally a friend's happiness too. Amongst my closest friend's I am known as "
The Siren." If you've read the Odyssey by Homer, or have seen "O Brother Where Art Thou" you'll recall the story of the Siren. Males who pass by too closely are lured in by the Siren's song and are either deviated permanently from their journeys or are killed. I haven't killed anyone recently, but I'm sure I'll get around to it. Now, I'm not so stupid as to think that I am some lucious beauty whom no man can resist. But, should I set my sights on a man during one my "moods," honestly, he doesn't stand a chance. That sounds awful... but it's true.
At first read through, maybe this doesn't sound too bad to the average person. Some might wish they had such a tool in their arsenal for "bringing in the men." Maybe some of the single men would like to try their hand at resisting it. Fools. Let me assure you, that this really is a weapon of PURE EVIL. You see, when The Siren emerges it is usually motivated not because she wants a specific man and by gum, she's going to have him. She doesn't want him because he's smart and funny and maybe even totally gorgeous. No, she wants him because she wants to prove something to herself. The Siren usually emerges when she's been hurt and needs to validate herself. In fact, I can't think of a time that The Siren was ever used "just for fun." The Siren cannot be called up by will or choice. She emerges on her own. Yes, I realize I'm speaking in the third person. Anyway.
A few years back I had a huge crush on a boy. HUGE. We were very good friends and I thought it was obviously moving to the dating realm. One earth shattering night he told me in a rush of boy word vomit that he didn't find me attractive. For the first time in my life it occured to me that maybe I WASN'T attractive. I remember looking in the mirror before going to bed, heartbroken, hearing his words over and over again. That night, The Siren emerged for the first time. I can still remember the look of fire in her eyes. Her power was not unleashed immediately, rather, she began to run and do shallow things like lay out at the pool. A few months later, she moved into a new ward with a fresh young crop of men-folk. Very quickly she began to pick off these poor unsuspecting sailors, not because she necessarily liked or wanted any of them, but because she needed to prove to herself that, yes, she was attractive. The attention and adoration was intoxicating. For two years the Siren ruled that ward. No boy that she set her sights on stood a chance. She became what they liked. And soon lost what little identity she had.
This is getting long, I know. Sorry. I'll move things along.
Luckily, The Siren had dear dear friends, some of whom, at times, were their own versions of The Siren (you know who you are). Other friends knew themselves well enough to recognize what was going on and how The Siren had lost herself. Thankfully, they pulled her out of her world and moved to a new ward. The extraction was painful. The addictive attention was lost. Suddenly The Siren was stripped off of me for the first time in years. I felt very naked and vulnerable. I didn't date another boy for almost three (yep) years. Occasionally The Siren would rear her ugly (yet desirable) head and some poor soul would fall prey to her will. Occasionally that boy would be the unsuspecting desire of one of The Siren's dear friends and roommates (yes, I suck please hate me). Yet, whenever the facade was dropped I always felt sick and hollow inside, once again vulnerable and emotionally naked. I started discovering truths about myself that did indeed make me attractive and worthwhile. Loveable, even. I was good and smart and generous. I was kind (occasionally), a good cook, and liked a good challenge physically. I ran a marathon, and moved up the ranks in my career. I grew spiritually and was inspired by amazing women in my ward. I caught a glimpse of the woman I wanted to be. She was not The Siren.
Once again, life demanded change and I moved wards. Suddenly I was dating again. I didn't know how to date as me and so The Siren took over. This time, however, I was aware of how she hurt people. How she hurt ME. She attracted shallow men. And, when she tried to date good men, she couldn't handle the difference and hurt them and me. Oi, this is getting trippy. I'll send you all a check for this outward therapy session later.
Thankfully the Lord saw the struggle and sent a VERY good man her way. The Siren might initially have realed him in, but through his patience and goodness, I reemerged. It took a long time for me to completely be me with him, though. I wasn't comfortable with me as just me. He suffered because of it. I hurt him over and over again. But through his resilience I learned to love myself AND him. The Siren wasn't needed anymore. Yet, for whatever reason, the good (if not the best man I have ever known) wasn't meant to be a permanent part of my life. It took a couple years but we finally walked away. Distraught and sick I didn't date for a year and a half. I couldn't. It hurt too much.
Finally, this summer rolled around. The pain in my heart had numbed and I finally felt ready to "get on with it." By this time I was no longer "the new thing" to catch boys attention in my ward. So I went about trying to flirt (awkward) and generally reengage in the dating scene as myself. Once again I experienced rejection. Ah the old familiar poison that unleashed the beast within. A couple boys fell prey to her appeal. How could they not? A few of you reading this have actually seen her in action and can attest to her power. To the rest of you, let me describe what it feels like when she takes over. Powerful. Just as you can see the Spirit shine through someone's eyes, I can feel confidence and flirtacious charm burn through hers. Now that I'm an innocent bystander in my body watching when she takes over, I actually feel pity for her victims. They don't stand a chance.
At this point I'm sure some of you are scoffing in disbelief. Maybe some of you have known your own Sirens. And, maybe some of you are still not seeing how this Siren business is a bad thing. To put it simply, I actually want to date someone because I like them and they like ME, not because I have them. Too often I have found that once the power unleashed subsides, suddenly I am left to clean up her mess. I usually have some poor sap infatuated with me whom I either discover I'm not interested in, or, worse than that, I am interested in. How is this bad? Because he fell for the Siren, not me. The Siren is all confidence and appeal. I am all "thumbs" and acne. Remember, the "I don't find you attractive." boy? Well, I'm still that girl. When The Siren catches the man we both set our sights on and I am left with the reality, I go into the, "Why is he with me?" mode. Pitiful really.
But you know what's funny, is that for the first time in my life, I see what's going on. By writing this story (long, I know) I finally see what's been happening all these years. I was never aware of her before. I'm a pretty confident girl most of the time on my own. But when The Siren takes over it rises to a whole new level.
Now, what spurred this story? Easy, The Siren came out this last weekend. And instead of supressing her like I've been trying lately, I let her run rampant. The poor boy. Now I'm in the all to familiar place of not knowing what to do with "her leftovers." If you will. I like him. I think he's sweet and gorgeous and funny. But he's not the problem. I am. The "I'm not attractive," insecure, pitiful, vulnerable, naked self is what he's left to look at. And how do I protect myself from being seen too clearly? I push him away by noticing all his insecure, pitiful, vulnerable nakedness. Ah yes, we can't both be vulnerable and flawed.
So here I am, with my newfound awareness of a very painful reality. I want to like someone for who they are and have them like me for who I am. But how do I keep The Siren at bay? How do I keep her from taking over when I'm feeling insecure and exposed? How do I not only let someone in past my very powerful guard dog but allow them in with their muddy boots on too? As you can tell, this is weighing heavily on my mind. Sigh... stupid Siren.
We were able to get a rental car which was perfect because I would have been stuck at the hotel. The only tricky thing with driving was that you drive on the left there. There were signs everywhere that said, "Remember to Drive on the Left" or "Keep your shoulder to the shoulder". There were quite a few times that I'd go around a corner and come face to face with another car, finding myself, once again majorly confused. But driving and exploring was a total trip. The roads there are winding, crazy, narrow 10-30 mph. The signs by a curve that say, 10 MPH are not joking. You stomp on the brake and turn a 180 or more. Then stomp on the gas to keep moving up the hill. Since it's an island with only a few major roads, I just drove and when I found myself in someone's driveway or a fancy hotel I just turned around and drove back to the nearest paved road.
