Sunday, August 26, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
One last hurrah
This past week the weather must have sensed that school started because it has been in the low 70's until this afternoon. I love every season. I can't say that I have a particular favorite because each one brings so much that I love. That being said, I'm not ready for it to be Fall yet. Yes, this Summer has been hot (aren't they all), yes a couple of weeks out of the blazing hot Summer I had a two hour commute with no A/C, and yes, I've spent my fair share of time laying out and reading at the pool. But, I still don't feel like I've really had the proper amount of adventure yet this Summer.
Thus, I am going to do something unusual and open up to my fair audience the opportunity to define my "One Last Hurrah" for the summer. I do have a couple of rules:
- Realistic: We all know I'm an adventure-oriented person, but an adventure that costs $10k is not going to happen.
- Location: Outside of Utah, preferrably outside the country.
- Activity: I have already determined I am not a resort girl. I got bored to tears on day two of a week in Mexico at a resort.
- Companionship: While I have dear friends who I am happy to tag along with and have tag along with me, I don't expect that any of them will necessarily want to go on some trip one of YOU suggests. That being said, I'm still an attractive, single white female. Please do not suggest places you wouldn't send your attractive, single female daughter, cousin, sister, friend alone.
- Final say: It's my "One Last Hurrah" not yours.
I will give you all until next Tuesday to make your suggestions. I'll pick the top three that meet the above rules and are interesting to me. I will then create a poll and let you all pick. If life cooperates, I'll do my darndest to be on that "One Last Hurrah".
Tuesday, August 14, 2007
The Siren Song
(originally posted on themeesh.blogspot.com, your comments and advice are welcome on either blog)
Very rarely do I actually write posts that are difficult for me emotionally. I try to keep things light and shallow, because most of the time I am light and shallow. Ok, not really. But bare with me, because by the end of this you'll probably hate me as much as I hate myself.
I am my own worst enemy. I sabotage my happiness and eventually the happiness of poor unsuspecting males. And occasionally a friend's happiness too. Amongst my closest friend's I am known as "The Siren." If you've read the Odyssey by Homer, or have seen "O Brother Where Art Thou" you'll recall the story of the Siren. Males who pass by too closely are lured in by the Siren's song and are either deviated permanently from their journeys or are killed. I haven't killed anyone recently, but I'm sure I'll get around to it. Now, I'm not so stupid as to think that I am some lucious beauty whom no man can resist. But, should I set my sights on a man during one my "moods," honestly, he doesn't stand a chance. That sounds awful... but it's true.
At first read through, maybe this doesn't sound too bad to the average person. Some might wish they had such a tool in their arsenal for "bringing in the men." Maybe some of the single men would like to try their hand at resisting it. Fools. Let me assure you, that this really is a weapon of PURE EVIL. You see, when The Siren emerges it is usually motivated not because she wants a specific man and by gum, she's going to have him. She doesn't want him because he's smart and funny and maybe even totally gorgeous. No, she wants him because she wants to prove something to herself. The Siren usually emerges when she's been hurt and needs to validate herself. In fact, I can't think of a time that The Siren was ever used "just for fun." The Siren cannot be called up by will or choice. She emerges on her own. Yes, I realize I'm speaking in the third person. Anyway.
A few years back I had a huge crush on a boy. HUGE. We were very good friends and I thought it was obviously moving to the dating realm. One earth shattering night he told me in a rush of boy word vomit that he didn't find me attractive. For the first time in my life it occured to me that maybe I WASN'T attractive. I remember looking in the mirror before going to bed, heartbroken, hearing his words over and over again. That night, The Siren emerged for the first time. I can still remember the look of fire in her eyes. Her power was not unleashed immediately, rather, she began to run and do shallow things like lay out at the pool. A few months later, she moved into a new ward with a fresh young crop of men-folk. Very quickly she began to pick off these poor unsuspecting sailors, not because she necessarily liked or wanted any of them, but because she needed to prove to herself that, yes, she was attractive. The attention and adoration was intoxicating. For two years the Siren ruled that ward. No boy that she set her sights on stood a chance. She became what they liked. And soon lost what little identity she had.
This is getting long, I know. Sorry. I'll move things along.
Luckily, The Siren had dear dear friends, some of whom, at times, were their own versions of The Siren (you know who you are). Other friends knew themselves well enough to recognize what was going on and how The Siren had lost herself. Thankfully, they pulled her out of her world and moved to a new ward. The extraction was painful. The addictive attention was lost. Suddenly The Siren was stripped off of me for the first time in years. I felt very naked and vulnerable. I didn't date another boy for almost three (yep) years. Occasionally The Siren would rear her ugly (yet desirable) head and some poor soul would fall prey to her will. Occasionally that boy would be the unsuspecting desire of one of The Siren's dear friends and roommates (yes, I suck please hate me). Yet, whenever the facade was dropped I always felt sick and hollow inside, once again vulnerable and emotionally naked. I started discovering truths about myself that did indeed make me attractive and worthwhile. Loveable, even. I was good and smart and generous. I was kind (occasionally), a good cook, and liked a good challenge physically. I ran a marathon, and moved up the ranks in my career. I grew spiritually and was inspired by amazing women in my ward. I caught a glimpse of the woman I wanted to be. She was not The Siren.
Once again, life demanded change and I moved wards. Suddenly I was dating again. I didn't know how to date as me and so The Siren took over. This time, however, I was aware of how she hurt people. How she hurt ME. She attracted shallow men. And, when she tried to date good men, she couldn't handle the difference and hurt them and me. Oi, this is getting trippy. I'll send you all a check for this outward therapy session later.
Thankfully the Lord saw the struggle and sent a VERY good man her way. The Siren might initially have realed him in, but through his patience and goodness, I reemerged. It took a long time for me to completely be me with him, though. I wasn't comfortable with me as just me. He suffered because of it. I hurt him over and over again. But through his resilience I learned to love myself AND him. The Siren wasn't needed anymore. Yet, for whatever reason, the good (if not the best man I have ever known) wasn't meant to be a permanent part of my life. It took a couple years but we finally walked away. Distraught and sick I didn't date for a year and a half. I couldn't. It hurt too much.
Finally, this summer rolled around. The pain in my heart had numbed and I finally felt ready to "get on with it." By this time I was no longer "the new thing" to catch boys attention in my ward. So I went about trying to flirt (awkward) and generally reengage in the dating scene as myself. Once again I experienced rejection. Ah the old familiar poison that unleashed the beast within. A couple boys fell prey to her appeal. How could they not? A few of you reading this have actually seen her in action and can attest to her power. To the rest of you, let me describe what it feels like when she takes over. Powerful. Just as you can see the Spirit shine through someone's eyes, I can feel confidence and flirtacious charm burn through hers. Now that I'm an innocent bystander in my body watching when she takes over, I actually feel pity for her victims. They don't stand a chance.
At this point I'm sure some of you are scoffing in disbelief. Maybe some of you have known your own Sirens. And, maybe some of you are still not seeing how this Siren business is a bad thing. To put it simply, I actually want to date someone because I like them and they like ME, not because I have them. Too often I have found that once the power unleashed subsides, suddenly I am left to clean up her mess. I usually have some poor sap infatuated with me whom I either discover I'm not interested in, or, worse than that, I am interested in. How is this bad? Because he fell for the Siren, not me. The Siren is all confidence and appeal. I am all "thumbs" and acne. Remember, the "I don't find you attractive." boy? Well, I'm still that girl. When The Siren catches the man we both set our sights on and I am left with the reality, I go into the, "Why is he with me?" mode. Pitiful really.
But you know what's funny, is that for the first time in my life, I see what's going on. By writing this story (long, I know) I finally see what's been happening all these years. I was never aware of her before. I'm a pretty confident girl most of the time on my own. But when The Siren takes over it rises to a whole new level.
Now, what spurred this story? Easy, The Siren came out this last weekend. And instead of supressing her like I've been trying lately, I let her run rampant. The poor boy. Now I'm in the all to familiar place of not knowing what to do with "her leftovers." If you will. I like him. I think he's sweet and gorgeous and funny. But he's not the problem. I am. The "I'm not attractive," insecure, pitiful, vulnerable, naked self is what he's left to look at. And how do I protect myself from being seen too clearly? I push him away by noticing all his insecure, pitiful, vulnerable nakedness. Ah yes, we can't both be vulnerable and flawed.
So here I am, with my newfound awareness of a very painful reality. I want to like someone for who they are and have them like me for who I am. But how do I keep The Siren at bay? How do I keep her from taking over when I'm feeling insecure and exposed? How do I not only let someone in past my very powerful guard dog but allow them in with their muddy boots on too? As you can tell, this is weighing heavily on my mind. Sigh... stupid Siren.
Very rarely do I actually write posts that are difficult for me emotionally. I try to keep things light and shallow, because most of the time I am light and shallow. Ok, not really. But bare with me, because by the end of this you'll probably hate me as much as I hate myself.
I am my own worst enemy. I sabotage my happiness and eventually the happiness of poor unsuspecting males. And occasionally a friend's happiness too. Amongst my closest friend's I am known as "The Siren." If you've read the Odyssey by Homer, or have seen "O Brother Where Art Thou" you'll recall the story of the Siren. Males who pass by too closely are lured in by the Siren's song and are either deviated permanently from their journeys or are killed. I haven't killed anyone recently, but I'm sure I'll get around to it. Now, I'm not so stupid as to think that I am some lucious beauty whom no man can resist. But, should I set my sights on a man during one my "moods," honestly, he doesn't stand a chance. That sounds awful... but it's true.
At first read through, maybe this doesn't sound too bad to the average person. Some might wish they had such a tool in their arsenal for "bringing in the men." Maybe some of the single men would like to try their hand at resisting it. Fools. Let me assure you, that this really is a weapon of PURE EVIL. You see, when The Siren emerges it is usually motivated not because she wants a specific man and by gum, she's going to have him. She doesn't want him because he's smart and funny and maybe even totally gorgeous. No, she wants him because she wants to prove something to herself. The Siren usually emerges when she's been hurt and needs to validate herself. In fact, I can't think of a time that The Siren was ever used "just for fun." The Siren cannot be called up by will or choice. She emerges on her own. Yes, I realize I'm speaking in the third person. Anyway.
A few years back I had a huge crush on a boy. HUGE. We were very good friends and I thought it was obviously moving to the dating realm. One earth shattering night he told me in a rush of boy word vomit that he didn't find me attractive. For the first time in my life it occured to me that maybe I WASN'T attractive. I remember looking in the mirror before going to bed, heartbroken, hearing his words over and over again. That night, The Siren emerged for the first time. I can still remember the look of fire in her eyes. Her power was not unleashed immediately, rather, she began to run and do shallow things like lay out at the pool. A few months later, she moved into a new ward with a fresh young crop of men-folk. Very quickly she began to pick off these poor unsuspecting sailors, not because she necessarily liked or wanted any of them, but because she needed to prove to herself that, yes, she was attractive. The attention and adoration was intoxicating. For two years the Siren ruled that ward. No boy that she set her sights on stood a chance. She became what they liked. And soon lost what little identity she had.
This is getting long, I know. Sorry. I'll move things along.
Luckily, The Siren had dear dear friends, some of whom, at times, were their own versions of The Siren (you know who you are). Other friends knew themselves well enough to recognize what was going on and how The Siren had lost herself. Thankfully, they pulled her out of her world and moved to a new ward. The extraction was painful. The addictive attention was lost. Suddenly The Siren was stripped off of me for the first time in years. I felt very naked and vulnerable. I didn't date another boy for almost three (yep) years. Occasionally The Siren would rear her ugly (yet desirable) head and some poor soul would fall prey to her will. Occasionally that boy would be the unsuspecting desire of one of The Siren's dear friends and roommates (yes, I suck please hate me). Yet, whenever the facade was dropped I always felt sick and hollow inside, once again vulnerable and emotionally naked. I started discovering truths about myself that did indeed make me attractive and worthwhile. Loveable, even. I was good and smart and generous. I was kind (occasionally), a good cook, and liked a good challenge physically. I ran a marathon, and moved up the ranks in my career. I grew spiritually and was inspired by amazing women in my ward. I caught a glimpse of the woman I wanted to be. She was not The Siren.
Once again, life demanded change and I moved wards. Suddenly I was dating again. I didn't know how to date as me and so The Siren took over. This time, however, I was aware of how she hurt people. How she hurt ME. She attracted shallow men. And, when she tried to date good men, she couldn't handle the difference and hurt them and me. Oi, this is getting trippy. I'll send you all a check for this outward therapy session later.
Thankfully the Lord saw the struggle and sent a VERY good man her way. The Siren might initially have realed him in, but through his patience and goodness, I reemerged. It took a long time for me to completely be me with him, though. I wasn't comfortable with me as just me. He suffered because of it. I hurt him over and over again. But through his resilience I learned to love myself AND him. The Siren wasn't needed anymore. Yet, for whatever reason, the good (if not the best man I have ever known) wasn't meant to be a permanent part of my life. It took a couple years but we finally walked away. Distraught and sick I didn't date for a year and a half. I couldn't. It hurt too much.
Finally, this summer rolled around. The pain in my heart had numbed and I finally felt ready to "get on with it." By this time I was no longer "the new thing" to catch boys attention in my ward. So I went about trying to flirt (awkward) and generally reengage in the dating scene as myself. Once again I experienced rejection. Ah the old familiar poison that unleashed the beast within. A couple boys fell prey to her appeal. How could they not? A few of you reading this have actually seen her in action and can attest to her power. To the rest of you, let me describe what it feels like when she takes over. Powerful. Just as you can see the Spirit shine through someone's eyes, I can feel confidence and flirtacious charm burn through hers. Now that I'm an innocent bystander in my body watching when she takes over, I actually feel pity for her victims. They don't stand a chance.
At this point I'm sure some of you are scoffing in disbelief. Maybe some of you have known your own Sirens. And, maybe some of you are still not seeing how this Siren business is a bad thing. To put it simply, I actually want to date someone because I like them and they like ME, not because I have them. Too often I have found that once the power unleashed subsides, suddenly I am left to clean up her mess. I usually have some poor sap infatuated with me whom I either discover I'm not interested in, or, worse than that, I am interested in. How is this bad? Because he fell for the Siren, not me. The Siren is all confidence and appeal. I am all "thumbs" and acne. Remember, the "I don't find you attractive." boy? Well, I'm still that girl. When The Siren catches the man we both set our sights on and I am left with the reality, I go into the, "Why is he with me?" mode. Pitiful really.
But you know what's funny, is that for the first time in my life, I see what's going on. By writing this story (long, I know) I finally see what's been happening all these years. I was never aware of her before. I'm a pretty confident girl most of the time on my own. But when The Siren takes over it rises to a whole new level.
Now, what spurred this story? Easy, The Siren came out this last weekend. And instead of supressing her like I've been trying lately, I let her run rampant. The poor boy. Now I'm in the all to familiar place of not knowing what to do with "her leftovers." If you will. I like him. I think he's sweet and gorgeous and funny. But he's not the problem. I am. The "I'm not attractive," insecure, pitiful, vulnerable, naked self is what he's left to look at. And how do I protect myself from being seen too clearly? I push him away by noticing all his insecure, pitiful, vulnerable nakedness. Ah yes, we can't both be vulnerable and flawed.
So here I am, with my newfound awareness of a very painful reality. I want to like someone for who they are and have them like me for who I am. But how do I keep The Siren at bay? How do I keep her from taking over when I'm feeling insecure and exposed? How do I not only let someone in past my very powerful guard dog but allow them in with their muddy boots on too? As you can tell, this is weighing heavily on my mind. Sigh... stupid Siren.
Monday, August 13, 2007
Closure is a good thing
Well, it's been a long painful week, as you might have noticed. I waited all week for a response from Mark and finally got it Saturday. I cried the rest of the afternoon, then threw together a last minute bonfire/meteor shower party and headed off to live my life.
Loving someone is not an easy thing, so I've learned. You all already know that. But I am truly grateful for the experience. I learned so much about myself, my selfishness, my instability, my amazing depth and ability to love. I look forward to starting fresh and new with some lucky guy. I"m determined to live one day at a time and not judge myself for what did and did not happen between Mark and I. We tried. A lot. But in the end, the Spirit won. As it should.
Thank you all for your years of understanding, patience, and supportive love for me. Let's all start up that family fast again, and find me a husband! :)
Love Ya,
Meesh
Loving someone is not an easy thing, so I've learned. You all already know that. But I am truly grateful for the experience. I learned so much about myself, my selfishness, my instability, my amazing depth and ability to love. I look forward to starting fresh and new with some lucky guy. I"m determined to live one day at a time and not judge myself for what did and did not happen between Mark and I. We tried. A lot. But in the end, the Spirit won. As it should.
Thank you all for your years of understanding, patience, and supportive love for me. Let's all start up that family fast again, and find me a husband! :)
Love Ya,
Meesh
Sunday, August 12, 2007
Mom's Weekly Aug 12 2007
August 12, 2007
Dear Family, I am about to pull my hair out. I have been trying to fill out our mission paper work---which is now done on-line but my speed is 16mgh and the church site isn’t very fast either. I have to find me a faster computer connection somewhere. Dad got the downstairs windows finished and they look really nice. They have the big window well around them and wood trim both inside and outside. We have painted the two downstairs bedrooms and washed down walls the windows and doors and they all look pretty good. The family room is a mess with boxes of family history stuff all over. I ventured into the “under the stairs” sanctuary and hauled out a lot of stuff. A lot has been packed into the storage room, sorted and labeled and of course out of reach if I need it. Karl, I have the other movie tapes of the family. I found the family reunions movie with the reel to reel stuff under the TV. Shall I send all of them to you? It does pay to clean out the whole house occasionally and put the things that belong together—together. Kari—I have been through ALL the boxes in the basement and your blessing dress is not here. Maybe you will find it as you move one day and unpack all your stuff. Max and Doreen will be here this week to go through his stuff. They had a nice reunion at Aspen Grove with most of the kids. The kids had all met somewhere where I-70 and I 15 meet and went 4-wheeling. Hallie had a serious accident where they thought she had a broken collar bone and broken ribs. She was given a blessing on site and after all kinds of x-rays and cat scans….she was just badly bruised. What suffering we would endure if we didn’t have the priesthood. We ate our first tomatoes and corn-on the cob from the garden yesterday and we have huge green peppers and lots of squash. And even watermelon and cantaloupe—if I don’t wait too long to pick them or pick them too soon….how do you tell? I took the camera disks to WalMart and had them downloaded onto a CD so they are saved. In all this stuff I have lost the travel-drive with the accounting on it so I have to get another one to save the pictures, documents and bookkeeping on. Dad talked in church today about service as a missionary tool. Grandpa’s hearing aid fell out today and he stepped on it so that is another mess to take care of…Aimee is planning to take off for a week, Michelle, so she may call you to take Grandpa to my cousin Marjean’s homecoming from her mission in Scotland on the 26th being held in American Fork. I am trying to hunt down the daughter to find out times and address of the church. He did spend time with Max and his family and it seemed to go well. Michael we enjoyed our experience. That is a neat although tough one to go through… but we have an easy life in comparison don’t we? Shaunae, we didn’t hear how Palmyra and the pageant went ? Were you able to get the picture of the statue? I hope you will all take the time to call each other and stay in touch with each other’s life experiences. Belva’s latest husband is going downhill fast. He has neither friend or family that has any interesting him except Dad ( his hometeacher) and Belva. When he dies there will be no one to come to his funeral. Over the years he has made no effort to stay in touch with his family in Arkansas so no one cares about him. You each have interesting experiences at work or school or home that the rest of us would enjoy knowing about. Please make the effort. I have asked questions and have received no answer to them. I have sent thing and have received no acknowledgment of them having arrived. Silence is not golden, it is frustrating. We love you all very much. Love MOM
Dear Family, I am about to pull my hair out. I have been trying to fill out our mission paper work---which is now done on-line but my speed is 16mgh and the church site isn’t very fast either. I have to find me a faster computer connection somewhere. Dad got the downstairs windows finished and they look really nice. They have the big window well around them and wood trim both inside and outside. We have painted the two downstairs bedrooms and washed down walls the windows and doors and they all look pretty good. The family room is a mess with boxes of family history stuff all over. I ventured into the “under the stairs” sanctuary and hauled out a lot of stuff. A lot has been packed into the storage room, sorted and labeled and of course out of reach if I need it. Karl, I have the other movie tapes of the family. I found the family reunions movie with the reel to reel stuff under the TV. Shall I send all of them to you? It does pay to clean out the whole house occasionally and put the things that belong together—together. Kari—I have been through ALL the boxes in the basement and your blessing dress is not here. Maybe you will find it as you move one day and unpack all your stuff. Max and Doreen will be here this week to go through his stuff. They had a nice reunion at Aspen Grove with most of the kids. The kids had all met somewhere where I-70 and I 15 meet and went 4-wheeling. Hallie had a serious accident where they thought she had a broken collar bone and broken ribs. She was given a blessing on site and after all kinds of x-rays and cat scans….she was just badly bruised. What suffering we would endure if we didn’t have the priesthood. We ate our first tomatoes and corn-on the cob from the garden yesterday and we have huge green peppers and lots of squash. And even watermelon and cantaloupe—if I don’t wait too long to pick them or pick them too soon….how do you tell? I took the camera disks to WalMart and had them downloaded onto a CD so they are saved. In all this stuff I have lost the travel-drive with the accounting on it so I have to get another one to save the pictures, documents and bookkeeping on. Dad talked in church today about service as a missionary tool. Grandpa’s hearing aid fell out today and he stepped on it so that is another mess to take care of…Aimee is planning to take off for a week, Michelle, so she may call you to take Grandpa to my cousin Marjean’s homecoming from her mission in Scotland on the 26th being held in American Fork. I am trying to hunt down the daughter to find out times and address of the church. He did spend time with Max and his family and it seemed to go well. Michael we enjoyed our experience. That is a neat although tough one to go through… but we have an easy life in comparison don’t we? Shaunae, we didn’t hear how Palmyra and the pageant went ? Were you able to get the picture of the statue? I hope you will all take the time to call each other and stay in touch with each other’s life experiences. Belva’s latest husband is going downhill fast. He has neither friend or family that has any interesting him except Dad ( his hometeacher) and Belva. When he dies there will be no one to come to his funeral. Over the years he has made no effort to stay in touch with his family in Arkansas so no one cares about him. You each have interesting experiences at work or school or home that the rest of us would enjoy knowing about. Please make the effort. I have asked questions and have received no answer to them. I have sent thing and have received no acknowledgment of them having arrived. Silence is not golden, it is frustrating. We love you all very much. Love MOM
Brett's Baptism
Hi, all. Brett had a very special day Saturday, August 4th. Karl baptized him and confirmed him. It was a beautiful service. His Grandpa Rytting spoke on baptism and his Aunt Janae on the Holy Ghost. Becca and three of her sisters did a musical number as well as Brett's siblings and four cousins. He had lots of friends there to support him as well as some out-of-town family. It was a good day. He doesn't much like being the center of attention, so he spent some time with his head buried in my lap. But, he did a great job. We're hoping that by the time Jacob gets baptized we will all be able to sit through the service. The twins were constantly wanting drinks and Jesse filled his pants just as it was time to resume after the baptism. Oh, well. We missed you guys. Anyway, take care and Happy Birthday to Kathy this week.
Tuesday, August 7, 2007
Monday, August 6, 2007
What the crap have I done...
Holy crap. What have I done?! I think I need to throw up now....
"So, I really wanted to tell you all of this in person, but knew I would just be a mess when/if I did. You and I have been through a lot together. And, while we've been apart for a year, I've learned that I can survive without you. But I'm not sure that I want to. Mark, everytime I see you it kills me. It feels like we've never really been apart except for the fact that I can't just throw myself at you anymore. I know I hurt you and you were so patient and trusting with me. I'm so sorry for the pain I caused you and for the rollercoaster that our relationship was.
This past week I've thought about you a ton. I haven't done so purposely, it just happened... thus my phone call. A few weeks ago I started dating someone and for the first time in a very long time I had fun with a guy. And then YOU floated by. I felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. I couldn't think or focus. I couldn't believe the irony and just wanted to cry. And then I realized after all this time and distance, that I'm still in love with you. I've tried very hard to stay away from you, to give you your space. But that doesn't seem to have made a difference.
Mark, I don't know what, if anything, you feel towards me anymore. I don't blame you if you feel nothing. I've put us both through a ton, but it almost feels like another lifetime, like it happened to someone else. The only thing that makes it feel real is the pain of not being with you. Of acting like I'm ok when I see you. Of sensing your presence even before I see you. Of not being able to trust myself to look into your eyes.
I ran into Rachel and she told me of your current situation. Let me assure you that while I was upset to hear about it, it's not what's motivating this letter. I've wanted to tell you for awhile of how I'm feeling. I'm not over you. Not by a long shot. In the very least, let that feed your ego. I'm not proposing to you. I know you've changed. I've grown a lot and changed more than I've realized. Kari pointed it out to me the other day, how different I am. All I'm asking is for a chance to get to know you again.
In the end, I do want your happiness more than I care about my pain. It sounds trite, but I do mean it. If you are happy then I'll let you be. But, I did want you to know how I felt. "
"So, I really wanted to tell you all of this in person, but knew I would just be a mess when/if I did. You and I have been through a lot together. And, while we've been apart for a year, I've learned that I can survive without you. But I'm not sure that I want to. Mark, everytime I see you it kills me. It feels like we've never really been apart except for the fact that I can't just throw myself at you anymore. I know I hurt you and you were so patient and trusting with me. I'm so sorry for the pain I caused you and for the rollercoaster that our relationship was.
This past week I've thought about you a ton. I haven't done so purposely, it just happened... thus my phone call. A few weeks ago I started dating someone and for the first time in a very long time I had fun with a guy. And then YOU floated by. I felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. I couldn't think or focus. I couldn't believe the irony and just wanted to cry. And then I realized after all this time and distance, that I'm still in love with you. I've tried very hard to stay away from you, to give you your space. But that doesn't seem to have made a difference.
Mark, I don't know what, if anything, you feel towards me anymore. I don't blame you if you feel nothing. I've put us both through a ton, but it almost feels like another lifetime, like it happened to someone else. The only thing that makes it feel real is the pain of not being with you. Of acting like I'm ok when I see you. Of sensing your presence even before I see you. Of not being able to trust myself to look into your eyes.
I ran into Rachel and she told me of your current situation. Let me assure you that while I was upset to hear about it, it's not what's motivating this letter. I've wanted to tell you for awhile of how I'm feeling. I'm not over you. Not by a long shot. In the very least, let that feed your ego. I'm not proposing to you. I know you've changed. I've grown a lot and changed more than I've realized. Kari pointed it out to me the other day, how different I am. All I'm asking is for a chance to get to know you again.
In the end, I do want your happiness more than I care about my pain. It sounds trite, but I do mean it. If you are happy then I'll let you be. But, I did want you to know how I felt. "
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)